i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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