i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
