I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
