I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
