I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
