Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
