Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
