Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I believe in your delicious
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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