I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize