'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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