brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
