Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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