After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize