god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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