Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In other news, I just burned my penis
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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