I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
