You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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