I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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