I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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