maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
