From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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