his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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