Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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