your parents love me but you hate me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
