I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
