you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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