I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My penis needs a shock collar
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
