Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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