My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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