I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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