Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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