Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
