Already got asked if we're dating
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
