I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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