What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
