If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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