Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
