my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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