Who wears a wallet chain?!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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