im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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