Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
