How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't notice because vodka
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
