it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
