Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We left the knife in your bed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
