I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
