Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
ugly people sure do ruin things
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
