I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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