The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
