I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
