question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
