roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
