my phone needs a breathalizer
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
God, I missed his penis.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
