Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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