They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
