the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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