I faked an abortion last night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
