its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
