Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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