I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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