This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
