I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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