Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
