My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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