I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
